The Not So Young And Agitated
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory's life looks more like a soap opera every day.


**Someone's evil twin has taken the disclaimer that tells you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some insane madness from my tiny little mind. We now return to…**

 **The Not So Young And Agitated **

"Oh Sterling," Mallory sniffed. She was by her comatose son's bedside wearing a blue evening gown and pearls. "My poor baby boy is still in a coma. Oh, what am I going to do?"

"It is a miracle that your son is alive Ms. Archer," Cyril walked in wearing a doctor's coat. "But we are giving him the very best of care."

 **"We?"** Mallory blinked. "Cyril? What the hell are **you** doing here?"

"Oh no," The doctor shook his head. "I'm Doctor Cyrus Figgis MD. Cyril Figgis is my identical cousin. People say we're a lot alike. Only you know? I'm more successful."

"Obviously," Mallory shrugged.

"Oh, head's up," Cyrus told her. "Cyril tried to get me to kill your son, but since I'm the **good identical** **cousin** …That just wasn't going to happen."

"Are you telling me all this time I had the **bad twin?"** Mallory asked. "That explains a lot actually."

"I'm afraid your son's condition is very serious Ms. Archer," Cyrus said.

"Is it serious Doctor?"

"Yes, I just said so," Cyrus sighed. "I'm afraid I had to call in a few specialists."

"Do whatever it takes to bring back my son to me," Mallory sobbed. "By the way Doctor, just out of curiosity. When you say you're pretty much identical to Cyril…How identical are we talking about physically?"

"He's hung like an elephant if that's what you want to know," A familiar voice spoke up.

"Oh here she is now," Cyrus said. "Dr. Tunt please come in!"

"That's what she said!" Cheryl walked in wearing a doctor's coat. "Dr. Tunt MD! Dum! Dum! Dum!"

"Carol? Since when are **you** a doctor?" Mallory shouted.

"Apparently, I've been one for a while," Cheryl shrugged. "But I just forgot about it. I mean I did forget about the time I was a country music star!"

"And a secretary," Mallory groaned.

"I was a **secretary?** " Cheryl asked. "When was _this?_ "

Mallory groaned. "How the hell did a scatterbrain who barely knows **her own name** finish medical school?"

"It's amazing what kind of degrees you can get online," Cheryl shrugged. "Besides with all the time I spent in hospitals as a kid I picked a lot up."

"You were ill as a child?" Mallory asked.

"Oh, not me," Cheryl said. "Other people I put in the hospital. I liked to visit them to see my handiwork."

"I see you are familiar with Dr. Tunt," Cyrus remarked.

"More than I care to admit," Mallory groaned.

"I've also called in another specialist," Cyrus said. "Dr. Krieger!"

"Hello!" Krieger walked in waving.

"Hello Doctor!" Cheryl said.

"Hello Doctor!" Krieger grinned. "And Doctor!"

"Doctor," Cyrus said. "Doctor."

"Doctor and Doctor," Cheryl nodded to both of them.

"Doctor," Krieger bowed. "And Doctor!"

"Doctor and…" Cyrus began.

"ALL RIGHT!" Mallory shouted. "WE **GET** IT! What I don't get is why Krieger's here!"

"I just got my doctorate!" Krieger protested. "It's amazing what you can get online these days."

"We should examine the patient Doctor," Cyrus said.

"I agree Doctor," Krieger said. "Will you do the honors Doctor?"

"Which Doctor?" Cheryl asked.

"I'm Presbyterian actually," Cyrus said.

"Well I'm a Pisces," Cheryl said.

"And I'm available!" Krieger added.

"HEY!" Mallory interrupted. "Moe, Larry and Crazy! Can you help my son here? Or do I have to wait for some **other stooge**?"

"Of course," Cheryl said brightly. "We should examine the patient. Starting with his shoes."

"Why his shoes?" Cyrus asked.

"To check his sole," Cheryl added.

"I'm losing **my patience** here!" Mallory shouted.

"I've never lost a patient," Cheryl said. "Of course, I've never **had** a patient so first time for anything!"

"Oh goody," Mallory deadpanned. "Your first malpractice lawsuit."

"You know what they say," Krieger quipped. "Malpractice makes perfect."

"Well I have a perfect record with my coma patients," Cyrus said. "I've lost them all."

"I've only lost one patient," Krieger said. "But I found him again when I realized he was checked into the wrong room."

"I just realized I checked my son into the **wrong hospital!"** Mallory groaned.

"Maybe that's where your patients are?" Cheryl said to Cyrus.

"That's could be," Cyrus blinked. "This is St. Sebastian hospital isn't it?"

"I don't think so," Krieger said.

"Well no wonder I can't find them," Cyrus said.

"I'm losing my mind right here!" Mallory shouted.

"Have you checked lost and found?" Cheryl asked.

"Okay I'm going to murder you all now," Mallory grumbled.

"Mallory!"

She turned and there was Len Trexler in the doorway. "Mallory!"

"Len Trexler!" Mallory gasped as she stood up and went to him. "I thought you were...Well not dead but just insane."

"I got better," Len told her. "But as soon as I came to my senses I knew I had to find you!"

"How did you get your memory back?" Mallory gasped.

"Well I got deposed from ODIN and got complete amnesia," Len explained. "Then abducted by pirates and then mobsters. Got caught up in a hostage situation that turned into a whole murder mystery which turned into running from the police in a case of mistaken identity and in order to clear my name I had to pretend to be an old gypsy woman. But then I got hit on the head with a frying pan and I remembered everything."

"So…The usual?" Mallory asked.

"Pretty much yeah," Len nodded. "Oh, Mallory I've missed you so!"

"Oh Len!" Mallory kissed him passionately.

"Oh Mallory!" Len kissed her back. "Now that I'm back **nothing** can keep us apart!" They kissed passionately some more.

"Mallory!"

"Ron!" Mallory gasped as she saw her husband in the doorway.

"I think I just discovered **one thing** that can keep them apart," Krieger quipped.

"Mallory!" Ron snapped.

"Ron!" Mallory gasped.

"Ron?" Len blinked.

"Len…" Mallory sighed.

"Len?" Ron gasped. "Mallory…?"

"Ron…" Mallory paused.

"Mallory?" Len gasped.

"Doctor Figgis," Krieger said. "Doctor Tunt."

"Doctor Tunt," Cyrus said. "Doctor Krieger."

"Doctor Krieger," Cheryl said. "Doctor Figgis."

"Janet!" Krieger said.

"Dr. Scott!" Cheryl said.

"Brad!" Krieger said.

"Rocky!" Cyrus added.

"WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?" Mallory shouted.

"Mallory who is this guy?" Len pointed to Ron.

"Why don't you tell him, **Mallory**?" Ron said icily.

"Oh right," Mallory winced. "Funny story. While you were…away. I kind of got married."

" _Kind of_ got married?" Len shouted. "I thought you said you missed me?"

"Didn't miss him that much," Cheryl quipped.

"Shut up!" Mallory snapped at them. She turned back to Len. "You were gone. Ron was here."

"Ron…?" Len was confused as he let Mallory go.

"Ron Cadillac," Ron said.

"I know you," Len realized. "You own all those car dealerships. I think I bought a car from you."

"Let me guess," Ron said. "A Cadillac."

"A 1975 blue Seville," Len said. "Man, I loved that car."

"Smoothest ride you ever owned," Ron said. "Am I right?"

"Oh my God," Len said. "I didn't even care when I was stuck in traffic because that meant I could be in the car that much longer."

"Well with a Cadillac you get the ultimate in style and luxury," Ron said.

"And I got a good deal on it too," Len said. "Say how are the new models?"

"Good," Ron said. "You'll find that the steering is much smoother and…"

"HEY!" Cheryl called out. "Hey you two! **Hello?** Have you forgotten that Ms. Archer was gonna marry Trexler and then as soon as he was out of the picture she went and married Ron?"

"Oh, **right…** " Len narrowed his eyes.

" _Thank you_ , Carol!" Mallory said sarcastically.

"You're welcome!" Cheryl grinned.

"So," Ron narrowed his eyes at Len. "You're Len Trexler."

"You're Ron Cadillac," Len looked at Ron. "You're the man who stole my woman from me."

"A decision I regret every day of my life!" Ron said as she pointed to Mallory. "She got me shot by the Yakuza!"

"She did that to you too?" Len gasped.

"Okay in the first place," Mallory spoke up. "That whole Yakuza incident was Pam's fault."

"No, it wasn't," Len said.

"Not yours," Mallory groaned. "I meant Ron's. And in your case Len…You really shouldn't have screwed around with that assassin's sister."

"Only because you were screwing around with the assassin himself!" Len pointed out.

"What difference does it make?" Mallory snapped. "They're both dead now! The point is **moot!"**

"Did she ever steal money from your bank account?" Ron asked Len. "Especially when she was running her fake spy agency."

"Fake spy agency?" Len asked.

"We got totally arrested for treason for that," Cheryl spoke up.

"Treason!" Len shouted. "Oh my god I should have known! You lying little…"

"I know, right?" Ron asked.

"Do you have any idea how many of my guys you put in the hospital because of your shenanigans?" Len snapped. "And even more in the morgue! All that money I had to spend on death benefits alone nearly bankrupted my agency twice!"

"And she was also screwing around with every guy she could get her hands on," Cheryl added.

"Including Nicolai Jackov," Krieger added.

"The former head of the KGB?" Cyrus asked.

"That's the guy," Krieger nodded.

"You were **two timing me** with that KGB creep?" Len snapped. "No wonder I was always finding Russian spy bugs in my agency!"

"And I'm guessing she gave you some actual bugs am I right?" Cheryl added.

"Worst case of crabs I ever had," Len groaned.

"Hey!" Mallory shouted. "Going to that hotel in Costa Rica was **your bright idea**!"

"That didn't stop you from screwing the bartender!" Len shouted.

"Well that's one way to pay for your bar tab," Krieger quipped.

"Don't you three idiots have anything better to do?" Mallory shouted. "Like take care of my son? Who is in a God Damn coma!"

"He does not look good," Len remarked as he looked at Archer.

"He's going to look worse," Barry walked in, wearing a nurse's costume over his endoskeleton.

"BARRY!" Everyone but Len gasped.

"Barry?" Len did a double take. "What the hell happened to **you?** "

"He got turned into a cyborg by the KGB," Cheryl explained. "Then blown up by Archer in a grain silo after he kidnapped Pam."

"Thank you, Ms. Plot Exposition!" Mallory snapped.

"That's **Doctor** Plot Exposition!" Cheryl shouted.

"Why are you dressed like a nurse?" Cyrus asked.

"Because I just completed my online degree of Robotics Nursing," Barry explained. "Duh!"

Mallory looked at the others. "You really can get **anything** online these days, can't you?"

"By the way, Barry," Krieger spoke up. "How'd that reunion with your long-lost mother go?"

"Better than I thought it would," Barry said. "Mom! Come on over and say hi to the people I'm about to kill."

"Hello there," Veronica Deane sauntered in carrying a gun. "I'd say it was good to see you again but that would be a lie."

"Veronica Deane is your **long-lost mother**?" Mallory gasped.

"Well that's a plot twist I did **not** see coming," Cheryl admitted.

"Wait hang on," Krieger said. "I thought Barry's mother's name was Tammy Jo Stamps?"

"I changed it," Veronica said. "Legally."

"Duh!" Cheryl scoffed.

"Can you honestly imagine a movie actress named _Tammy Jo Stamps_?" Veronica asked. "Seriously, call Hillbilly Pictures line one!"

"Wait, Tammy?" Len gasped. "Is that **you?"**

"Len?" Veronica gasped.

"Tammy!" Len gasped.

"Oh my God…" Mallory groaned. "You'll do it with anyone won't you Trexler?"

"And that's **you** saying that!" Cheryl remarked.

"You know?" Mallory glared at her.

"Barry, meet your father!" Veronica pointed to Len.

"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted.

"My son is a **cyborg**?" Len shouted.

"Daddy!" Barry beamed. "Wait a minute, you always treated me like shit! I hate you!"

"Join the club!" Mallory snapped.

"Plus, she was like a teenager when she got knocked up so…" Cheryl pointed at Veronica. "Ewww…"

Mallory shouted. "Len how could you **do** this to me?"

"Oh please!" Cheryl said. "You did the same thing to him! Archer might be his son!"

"WHAT?" Len, Veronica and Barry shouted.

"One in five chance that he's his son!" Mallory said. "Well technically one in four. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the drummer."

"Hang on!" Len snapped. "Barry is my son and now you're saying Archer is my son?"

"Are you telling me that bastard is my brother?" Barry snapped.

"You're one to talk," Krieger remarked.

"Seriously," Cheryl said. "Both of them had sex with me by the way."

"And Archer had sex with Veronica Deane," Krieger added.

"Boy does this family get around or what?" Cyrus remarked. "Oh, full disclosure here. I'm also sleeping with Lana Kane as well as my identical cousin Cyril Figgis. Oh, she's sleeping with him not him sleeping with me. In case you were confused."

"Quelle surprise," Mallory rolled her eyes. "But that doesn't matter!"

"It doesn't really matter," Barry waved. "I'm gonna kill you all anyway. Mom do you have any problem with that?"

"Not really," Veronica shrugged.

"Tammy!" Len gasped.

"You knocked me up and abandoned me when I was a teenager!" Veronica snapped. "You really think you weren't going to get away with it?"

"Well not now!" Len groaned.

"And most of you people pissed me off in one way or another so…" Barry shrugged.

"Hey!" Ron said. "I had **nothing** to do with all this! My wife has been cheating on me and technically I'm only Archer's step father! He already got me shot once!"

"Prove it!" Mallory snapped.

"He is kind of cute," Veronica pointed to Ron.

"Hey!" Mallory snapped. "If you're going to kill us, you should kill **all** of us! Or none of us at all!"

"What kind of rule is **that?"** Cyrus asked.

"Seriously?" Krieger asked.

"See what I have to live with?" Ron pointed to Mallory.

"Oh God yes," Len groaned. "I dodged a bullet, didn't I?"

"You know…?" Mallory glared at him.

"Too bad that for you it won't be literal," Barry said. "Now who goes first?"

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"BARRY!" Veronica gasped as Barry flew backwards from a huge rocket blast.

"How about **you**?" Archer said as he sat up. He held a huge gun in his hands.

"Archer?" Everyone gasped.

"Hang on," Archer held up a finger. He got up and blasted Barry several times with the rifle until Barry was a pile of rubble.

"I don't believe it!" Mallory gasped.

"I know," Archer said. "I usually use that gesture for drinking. Speaking of which does anyone have a drink?"

"AAAAHHH!" Veronica screamed. "YOU KILLED MY SON!"

"To be fair, lady," Cheryl said. "And I use that term in the loosest sense…He didn't have much of a life to begin with."

"She's not wrong," Archer shrugged as he put the gun down by the bed. "Drink? Anybody? Krieger?"

"Yup, yup, yup!" Krieger gave him a flask.

Archer drank it. "Oh yeah…That's better."

"WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO FINALLY KILL YOU?" Veronica Deane shouted as she pointed her gun at Archer.

"I know, right?" Archer scoffed. "Oh…This brings back bad memories."

"And some good ones for me," Veronica growled.

"I should not have put the gun down," Archer groaned.

"You never did learn to plan ahead," Krieger remarked.

"Fortunately for you Archer, that won't be a problem anymore," Veronica remarked. "Any last words?"

"Hey Tammy!" Mallory whipped out a gun from her purse. "Stamp this!" She then blew Veronica Deane away. "Mail one whore to the morgue!"

"Boy this is one violent hospital," Krieger remarked. "Oh well, more corpses for me to play with."

"Oh Sterling!" Mallory put her gun down and hugged her son. "It's a miracle! Wait…Where did you get the gun?"

"Had it by the lampshade," Archer put it down. "I figured someone would try to kill me sooner or later."

"How would you figure that unless…. You were **faking** this whole time?" Mallory shouted. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

"So, I could bang the nurses," Archer said. "Duh!"

That's when Mallory grabbed her purse and started beating her son over his head. "OW! OW! OW!" Archer shouted. "Mother seriously what do you **have** in there? Gold bricks?"

"You still **do** that?" Len asked Mallory. "Does not surprise me one bit."

Mallory kept beating her son. "And it doesn't surprise me that you put me in agony all these months just for your stupid…Selfish…AGGGH!"

"OW! OW! OW!" Archer protested.

"God, I love being a doctor," Cheryl giggled.

"Me too," Krieger grinned.

"It is an interesting life isn't it?" Cyrus asked.

"By the way Trexler," Archer said after Mallory stopped hitting him. "Sorry about your son Barry. And Tammy Jo over there."

"Ehh," Len shrugged. "It's for the best."

"Speaking of which…" Archer glared at Cyrus. "I'm gonna beat the shit out of Cyril Part Two over here. And Cyril One which acts more like Number Two…"

"Uh before you do that," Cyrus gulped. "Full disclosure. You're the one who was two timing Lana. So that's why she's now pregnant by me…"

"WHAT?" Archer shouted.

"Or Cyril…" Cyrus added. "We're not really sure. But we both want Lana so we've decided to share her. And let her boss us around."

"No surprises there," Mallory groaned.

"Oh, and she's also your boss too technically," Cyrus added. "Because Cyril gave her the agency because he's an idiot and now it's the Kane Agency so…"

"LANA! LANA! LANAAAAAAAAAAA!" Archer shouted as he ran out the door.

"You also killed your brother," Cheryl called out. "If that means anything to you."

"Like we didn't know they were probably going to kill each other anyway," Krieger waved.

"I think I should just go…Get some plane tickets to Belize or something," Cyrus gulped as he left the room.

"This has been the **stupidest day** ," Mallory groaned.

"Tell me about it," Ron glared at her.

"Oh Len," Mallory sighed. "It's so good to have you back in my life!"

"Seriously?" Ron shouted. "I'm standing **right here!"**

"Yeahhhh," Len backed away. "About that. See I'm not really ready for kids right now in my life."

"You're over sixty," Krieger pointed out.

"If not now, you'll never be!" Cheryl added.

"Then it's never," Len said. "Besides he might not be mine now anyway. So…Goodbye!"

"Len!" Mallory gasped. "I thought you said nothing can keep us apart!"

"I may have been a bit premature on that one!" Len said as he left the room.

"So much for coming to your senses!" Mallory shouted.

"I think he just did," Cheryl quipped.

"Well that's just disappointing," Mallory groaned. "This is exactly why I **didn't** tell him in the first place!"

"No surprises there," Cheryl quipped.

"Can you believe that asshole running out on me like that?" Mallory asked. "It's like Costa Rica all over again!"

"Too bad for **you** ," Ron snapped.

"Oh, don't rub it in," Mallory grumbled. "Now I'm stuck with you!"

"Noooooope," Ron said. "I'm getting unstuck!"

"What do you mean?" Mallory asked.

"You're getting dumped twice in one day," Cheryl explained.

"You're not the only one who's had an affair!" Ron snapped. "In fact, I'm **leaving you!"**

"For who?" Mallory snapped. "Some young little blond bimbo with big tits?"

"You got two out of three right," Ray sauntered out wearing a long silver fur coat.

"There's another plot twist," Krieger remarked.

"Is that my silver mink?" Mallory shouted. "You gave **Gillette** my _**silver mink**_?"

"Well he does look better in it than you do," Cheryl admitted.

"Just for that we're taking the good china too," Ray pointed out.

"Not like she ever used it anyway," Ron said. "And I'm giving Ray all your furs!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mallory screamed.

That was when Mallory woke up in a gasp. She was in bed. Ron was asleep by her side. She looked around. Turned on the light. "Ron? Ron? Wake up!"

She then punched her husband on the shoulder.

"YEOWWW!" Ron yelled. "What the hell…?"

"Wake up you cheating louse!" Mallory shouted. She punched him in the shoulder again.

"OW! What the hell was **that** for?" Ron shouted as he sat up.

"For you running off with Miss Gillette!" Mallory shouted. "And letting him take my best china! And my silver mink coat!"

"HOW DRUNK **ARE YOU?"** Ron roared. "Seriously Mallory. I'm starting to think I need to hold an intervention."

"Already had one," Mallory waved. "Great party actually. But that's not the point."

"Why the hell would you think I'd run off with _**Gillette?**_ " Ron snapped. "What was neither Pam nor Cheryl not available? Or any **other woman** on the planet?"

"Oh really?" Mallory snapped. "I knew it! I **knew** you still had a thing for those two!"

"Can we back up from Crazy Land for a minute?" Ron snapped. "What the hell makes you think I'd run off with **Gillette** of all people?"

"That's not important!" Mallory snapped.

"I kind of think it is," Ron said.

"I'm surprised you didn't ask for Lana!" Mallory snapped. "What are you racist?"

"It's not that!" Ron snapped. "I kind of see her as an adopted daughter thing. But that's not the point! The point is you're so insecure you'd rather see me with a man than any woman at all!"

Mallory paused. "Well I'd be lying if I said you were wrong."

"I'm going into the guest room," Ron got up and gathered his pillow. "Maybe I can sleep in for once without getting attacked for something I **didn't do!"**

"I know you did Carol!" Mallory shouted. "And Pam!"

"Well you did Pam too!" Ron snapped.

"Damn it that's right," Mallory winced. "Honestly now that I think about it, that is a more likely scenario than you leaving me for Gillette."

"Don't think that's not going to be an option in the future!" Ron shouted. "Seriously Mallory, the way this marriage is going, I'm starting to think Gillette has the **right idea!"**

"There is a huge difference between me and Gillette!" Mallory shouted.

"Yeah," Ron shot back before he left the room. "He's not a big **a drama queen** as you are!"

To this Mallory responded by throwing a pillow at him.


End file.
